The Death of a Dream

It's the dream I've had for as long as I can remember.

I haven't thought about anything in my life as much as I've thought about this dream.  I never questioned "if" it would happen, only "when".  I talked about it with friends and family.  People said I'd be good at it... and I believed I would!  I watched other people do it and tried to be patient as I waited my turn.  I thought about how it would look, feel, and what it would sound like.  I had ideas about how I would do things and what I'd try hard not to do.  I pictured it a million times and for thirty-four years it never occurred to me that it wouldn't happen.  

But here I am, at thirty-five years young, accepting that I'll never have a baby of my own.

I've struggled with so much pain from aggressive endometriosis, PCOS, and adhesions.  There seems to be a pattern of it getting worse six months after each surgery and it's completely impacting my life.  It grows back so quickly, despite various treatments (such as Lupron injections) and failed attempts to minimize the pain. I also have secondary amenorrhea, I’ve had pre-cancerous cells removed from my uterus, and I’ve endured five miscarriages.  We’ve tried several options and have considered alternatives, but after much prayer and a lot of conversations, I feel this is the path I'm meant to take.  

In less than two weeks I'll be having a hysterectomy. 

I’m not yet sure how much will be removed and the doctor won’t know until surgery what should stay and go.  That will determine my recovery time, anticipating anywhere from six to twelve weeks. 

For almost two years, I've done research about my female struggles.  I've learned about different options and I've read about people who've had similar experiences and have made similar decisions.  It's been a fabulous thing for some and a disaster for others.  I know there is no cure for endometriosis.  I know that in order for the endometriosis not to cause me problems going forward, the surgeon must find every implant and remove it, and remove both ovaries to prevent it from returning. I know that having a hysterectomy does not guarantee I won't have future pain or struggles. I know there's a possibility for another surgery at some point.  

I am heartbroken and devastated, yet by the grace of God I feel so much peace... the kind only He can give. This is the most difficult thing I’ve ever had to process and, while my heart is absolutely shattered, I feel this is the path I'm meant to take.  God has reasons we may never know, but I fully trust Him... I just wish it were easier.  

Don't be mistaken... I never gave up.  I simply humbled myself and submitted my life to God and His direction!  I'm a fighter, I'm strong, and I'm an overcomer!  Many people have offered advice and shared stories of how others have gotten through similar situations.  It's helped me to get to this place.  But ultimately, I choose to follow God's lead and trust He'll be here to carry me through this.  I will use this story to help others who face similar situations, who try to make sense of it all.  I fully believe He's going to replace this emptiness with something new.

We don't know what the future holds, but I trust it's gonna be amazing!  When I begin to question my dreams or which direction I should go, God never fails to remind me He’s got it covered.  His plans are much better than my most beautiful dreams.  

“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” Jeremiah 29:11

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